Tom Bilyeu: How to Deal with DIFFICULT and TOXIC People

This video by Tom Bilyeu was published on Jan 22, 2022.
Video length: 31:33.

The video is about dealing with difficult and toxic people.

The speaker discusses the importance of understanding that people's energy is in the wrong place when they are being defensive and feel attacked. The speaker suggests that asking questions can be powerful in changing someone's demeanor and that it is important to find common ground when dealing with difficult people. The speaker also discusses the importance of acknowledging that someone's self-esteem may be on the line when they feel attacked, and that it is important to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. The speaker suggests that asking questions can be a powerful tool in determining what is and isn't accurate, and that it is important to seek expert opinions when necessary.

The speaker also discusses the importance of breaking up with friendships that have gone stale and the dangers of ambivalent relationships.

Listen to This EXPERT Advice for How to Deal with DIFFICULT and TOXIC People - YouTube

The Importance of Mental Space

• The speaker discusses the importance of understanding that our mental space is finite and our emotional energy is limited.
• The speaker emphasizes that mental space is a valuable resource that should not be wasted on trying to figure out if someone likes us or not.
• The speaker believes that ambivalent people are more dangerous and a waste of mental energy.
• The speaker suggests that the only question one needs to ask themselves to determine if someone is truly happy for them is whether they are ever doubting that they are happy for them.

The Dangers of Ambivalence

• The speaker believes that ambivalent people are more dangerous and a waste of mental energy.
• The speaker suggests that ambivalent people are those who make passive-aggressive comments and question success or the success of others.
• The speaker calls these people "dream killers" and suggests that they are not always bad, but they can be inconvenient.
• The speaker suggests that the only question one needs to ask themselves to determine if someone is truly happy for them is whether they are ever doubting that they are happy for them.

The Importance of Humility and Listening

• The speaker emphasizes the importance of being humble and listening to other people.
• The speaker suggests that giving ownership to other people is important for a leader to be successful.
• The speaker reflects on the way the first platoon commander acted compared to the way the second platoon commander acted and realized the importance of being a humble leader.
• The speaker suggests that being a humble leader and listening to other people is important for success as a leader.

Listen to This EXPERT Advice for How to Deal with DIFFICULT and TOXIC People - YouTube

The Importance of Ownership

• The speaker emphasizes the importance of giving ownership to other people as a leader.
• The speaker suggests that giving ownership to other people is important for a leader to be successful.
• The speaker reflects on the way the first platoon commander acted compared to the way the second platoon commander acted and realized the importance of giving ownership to other people.
• The speaker suggests that being a leader who gives ownership to other people is important for success as a leader.

The Situation

• The speaker was in a military training exercise.
• The platoon commander wanted to assault the target, but the speaker made the call to peel left.
• The platoon commander did not make the call, so the speaker made it.
• The platoon commander was not happy with the decision and felt that the speaker was taking control away from him.

The Call

• The speaker made the call to peel left, despite the platoon commander's reluctance.
• The speaker realized that the platoon commander did not need to make the call and that he was undermining the platoon's progress.
• The speaker subordinated his ego and became supportive of the platoon commander's decision.

The Debrief

• During the debrief, the platoon commander asked the speaker why he made the call.
• The speaker explained that he saw what the platoon needed to do and that the platoon commander had not made a call.
• The platoon commander realized that he did not want to peel left and that the speaker had made the call without considering his feelings.

The Attitude Change

• The speaker realized that he did not always need to be the center of attention.
• The speaker realized that his ego was getting in the way of his ability to support his leader.
• The speaker learned to subordinate his ego and be supportive of others.

Understanding Human Nature

• The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding human nature in order to deal with difficult and toxic people.
• He explains that people often mistake their emotions for objective truth, which sends them on a downward spiral.
• The speaker suggests that leaders need to constantly look at their own emotions and control them in order to lead their men effectively.
• He mentions his own experiences as a leader in Iraq, where he had to pay attention to the emotions of his younger platoon members.
• The speaker emphasizes the importance of detaching from emotions and getting control of them in order to lead effectively.

Difficult People

• The speaker explains that difficult people are often triggered by insecurity and feel like they are being attacked.
• He suggests that when people come after you intellectually, it's important to focus on how to have a different exchange rather than focusing on how difficult the person is being.
• The speaker mentions that everyone thinks the other person is being difficult when in reality there may be something that could have been done differently.
• He suggests that having self-awareness and understanding the body sensations that you're getting is important in building emotional intelligence.
• The speaker recommends the book "How Emotions are Made" by Lisa Feldman Barrett for more information on building emotional intelligence.

Ideal Personality Types

• The speaker mentions that there is an ideal personality type for women in western cultures, which is high in conscientiousness, agreeableness, and low in neuroticism.
• He suggests that leaders need to be aware of the ideal personality types for their team members in order to lead effectively.
• The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding the emotions of others in order to lead effectively.
• He mentions that leaders need to be able to interpret their own emotions and dial them back in order to lead effectively.
• The speaker suggests that leaders need to be able to build self-awareness around their emotions in order to lead effectively.

Section 1: Understanding Personality Types

• The speaker is discussing the concept of personality types and how they can be used to understand and deal with difficult and toxic people.
• The speaker mentions that consciousness does not mean that you do not care about people, it just means that routine is not your love.
• The speaker discusses the idea of guessing people's personality types based on their different assets in their house.
• The speaker mentions that the research by Sam Gosling found that high neurotics use more motivational quotes.
• The speaker discusses the idea that high neurotics love motivational quotes because it is an external regulator for their internal world.

Section 2: Communication and Understanding

• The speaker discusses the importance of communication in dealing with difficult and toxic people.
• The speaker mentions the idea of base assumptions and trying to get to the point where you are being understood.
• The speaker discusses the idea of the steel man technique and trying to make your explanation as simple as possible.
• The speaker mentions the importance of recognizing when you are speaking so that you can understand yourself rather than being understood.
• The speaker discusses the idea of stealing man's argument and asking them to present your argument back to you.

Section 3: Dealing with Difficult People

• The speaker discusses the idea of taking it on yourself and saying that you are getting a little bit confused when someone brings in a new topic.
• The speaker mentions the importance of quickly stating your thesis and giving it to the other person in a sentence or two.
• The speaker discusses the idea of asking the other person to repeat your stance back to you.
• The speaker mentions the idea of letting the scope of the conversation creep when someone is bringing in a new topic.
• The speaker discusses the importance of understanding the other person's argument and being able to articulate it as well as possible.

Section 4: Conclusion

• The speaker summarizes the key points discussed in the video.
• The speaker emphasizes the importance of communication and understanding in dealing with difficult and toxic people.
• The speaker encourages the listener to take responsibility for their own understanding and communication.
• The speaker emphasizes the importance of being able to articulate your own argument and understanding the other person's argument.
• The speaker encourages the listener to be open to new ideas and perspectives.

Understanding Difficult People

• The first step to dealing with difficult people is to keep the argument grounded by calling out their behavior generously.
• This means taking the time to understand the other person's perspective and breaking it down piece by piece.
• It is important to remember that everyone has their own conflicting views, and the goal is to diffuse the situation and keep things to the facts.
• Resetting body language and nonverbal communication can create a positive first impression and make it easier to communicate effectively with others.
• Practicing positive body language involves remembering to do it every time you walk through a doorway, such as standing up straight, shoulders back, chin up, and smiling.

Creating a Positive First Impression

• Resetting body language and nonverbal communication can create a positive first impression and make it easier to communicate effectively with others.
• Practicing positive body language involves remembering to do it every time you walk through a doorway, such as standing up straight, shoulders back, chin up, and smiling.
• It is important to delegate or relegate nonverbal communication to a subconscious process, rather than thinking about it too much.
• Using post-it notes to remind yourself to practice positive body language can help make it a habit.
• First impressions are often made as soon as people see us, so it is important to make sure our nonverbal communication is positive and confident.

Achieving Goals

• It is important to have a clear goal in mind when dealing with difficult people.
• Assessing whether or not your emotions are moving you towards your goal is key to overcoming difficult situations.
• It is important to remember that emotions can process a lot of information that your conscious mind would not be able to.
• Step one is having a clear goal in mind, and step two is the ability to assess whether or not your emotions are moving you towards that goal.
• Overriding everything else with the goal in mind is essential to achieving success in difficult situations.

Watch the video on YouTube:
Listen to This EXPERT Advice for How to Deal with DIFFICULT and TOXIC People - YouTube