Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship | E142

Last updated: Jun 2, 2023

The video is an interview with Matthew Hussey, a dating coach and author, discussing the importance of effort and building a relationship rather than relying on the idea of finding "the one."

The video features an interview with Matthew Hussey, a dating coach and author, who discusses the secret to building a perfect relationship. He dispels the idea that there is only one perfect person for everyone and emphasizes the importance of effort and commitment in any long-term relationship. Hussey also shares his personal experiences with financial insecurity and an obsessive need for control, which shaped his early adult life. He believes that combining an obsession with control and a desire to feel special can lead to success, but also acknowledges the importance of vulnerability and authenticity in building strong relationships.

  • Finding "the one" is a myth, building a long-term commitment requires effort.
  • Glory can often be a downfall, many successful people have experienced trauma or adversity.
  • Taking control involves being willing to take risks and make changes.
  • Being authentic means being willing to show vulnerability and imperfection.
  • Matthew Hussey worked as a DJ in his dad's nightclub from the age of 14.
  • Matthew believes that people should focus on building relationships rather than finding "the one."
  • Vulnerability is essential for building strong relationships.
  • Living in a constant state of never enough can be dangerous.
  • Effort is important in building a relationship and being willing to work through tough times.

Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship | E142 - YouTube

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The Importance of Effort in Building a Relationship

  • The idea of finding "the one" is a myth.
  • Building a long-term commitment requires true effort.
  • Effort is necessary to build a perfect relationship.
  • Effort involves taking responsibility for one's own happiness.
  • Effort means being willing to work through challenges and conflicts.
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The Downfall of Relying on Glory

  • Glory can often be a downfall.
  • Many successful people have experienced trauma or adversity in their lives.
  • Matthew Hussey experienced financial insecurity growing up.
  • He had an obsessive need for control as a result.
  • Combining this with an insecurity, he became desperate to feel special and important.
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The Importance of Taking Control of One's Life

  • Matthew Hussey's need for control stemmed from feeling like there were problems he couldn't solve.
  • He was desperate to feel special and important.
  • He defined normal as bad and felt like he had to do something different.
  • He became obsessed with going out and doing something to gain control.
  • Taking control involves being willing to take risks and make changes.
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Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship | E142 - YouTube

The Importance of Being Authentic in Relationships

  • Many people try to present a perfect image of themselves in relationships.
  • This is not sustainable and can lead to disappointment and resentment.
  • Being authentic means being willing to show vulnerability and imperfection.
  • It means being willing to communicate openly and honestly.
  • Authenticity is necessary for building a strong and lasting relationship.
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Early Years and Relationships

  • Matthew Hussey worked as a DJ in his dad's nightclub from the age of 14.
  • He was ambitious and driven by insecurity and a desire to feel special.
  • As a teenager, he was shy and struggled to be his best self around girls he found attractive.
  • He read self-development books, including "How to Win Friends and Influence People," to improve his social skills.
  • He realized that he needed to build up the courage to talk to girls he liked.
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Choosing a Career

  • Matthew initially thought that DJing would be his career.
  • He also loved self-development and attended a Tony Robbins seminar at the age of 14.
  • He loved music and ideas and enjoyed discussing them with others.
  • He enjoyed attention and admiration, but recognized that his ego could sometimes drive him too much.
  • He was still figuring out what he wanted to do with his life in his late teenage years.
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The Importance of Effort in Relationships

  • Matthew believes that people should focus on building relationships rather than finding "the one."
  • He emphasizes the importance of effort and putting in work to make a relationship successful.
  • He encourages people to communicate openly and honestly with their partners.
  • He advises against playing games or trying to manipulate the other person.
  • He believes that people should be willing to compromise and make sacrifices for their partners.
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The Role of Vulnerability in Relationships

  • Matthew believes that vulnerability is essential for building strong relationships.
  • He encourages people to be open and honest about their feelings and to share their vulnerabilities with their partners.
  • He advises against putting up walls or trying to appear perfect.
  • He believes that vulnerability can help people connect on a deeper level and build trust with their partners.
  • He encourages people to be patient and to give their partners time to open up and share their own vulnerabilities.
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The Danger of Constant Comparison

  • Living in a constant state of never enough.
  • Feeling disconnected from the results of things.
  • When you achieve that thing, there is a feeling of total disconnection.
  • Panic sets in and it's a terrible feeling.
  • There is the danger of just constant comparison, nothing ever being enough.
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The Challenge of Turning Bumper Sticker Phrases into Practical Living

  • How to turn something that is a bumper sticker phrase into a meaningful practical way of living.
  • Reconnecting so that you don't fall prey to not taking that advice.
  • Being aware of the simple things that make you happy.
  • Writing down the simple things that make you happy.
  • Pausing life and figuring out what's your formula for getting to a feeling of peace.
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The Importance of Effort in Building a Relationship

  • The importance of effort in building a relationship.
  • Building a relationship rather than relying on the idea of finding "the one".
  • Putting in the effort to make a relationship work.
  • Being willing to work through the tough times in a relationship.
  • Not giving up on a relationship just because it's hard.
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The Power of Vulnerability in a Relationship

  • The power of vulnerability in a relationship.
  • Being willing to be vulnerable with your partner.
  • Sharing your fears and insecurities with your partner.
  • Being willing to listen to your partner's fears and insecurities.
  • Creating a safe space for vulnerability in a relationship.
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The Concept of Emotional Buttons

  • Matthew Hussey has a list of emotional buttons that he uses to feel peaceful.
  • He calls them emotional buttons because they are triggers that connect him to a formula for feeling peaceful.
  • These emotional buttons can be anything, such as a person, an idea, or a YouTube video.
  • Matthew writes down his emotional buttons in his phone or computer notes.
  • He uses these emotional buttons to get himself to do things he doesn't feel like doing, such as going to jiu-jitsu.
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The Importance of Being Connected in Life

  • Matthew Hussey believes that being connected in life is important.
  • He experienced feeling disconnected in his 20s, despite achieving success.
  • He realized that he was disconnected from what was important to him.
  • Being connected means being aware of what is important to you and making an effort to prioritize it.
  • It's important to not let your ego rule and to focus on what truly matters to you.
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The Importance of Effort in Building Relationships

  • Matthew Hussey believes that effort is important in building relationships.
  • He thinks that people rely too much on the idea of finding "the one" instead of putting in effort to build a relationship.
  • Effort means being willing to work on the relationship and not giving up when things get tough.
  • It's important to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship.
  • Matthew believes that relationships are not perfect, but they can be fulfilling if both parties are willing to put in effort.
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The Importance of Being Vulnerable in Relationships

  • Matthew Hussey believes that vulnerability is important in relationships.
  • Being vulnerable means being willing to open up and share your feelings with your partner.
  • It's important to be vulnerable because it allows for deeper connections and understanding in a relationship.
  • Matthew believes that vulnerability is not weakness, but rather a strength.
  • He thinks that vulnerability can be scary, but it's worth it in the end.
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The Importance of Connection

  • Life is about getting connected.
  • It's important to feel connected to why things are important to you.
  • Feeling on the inside of the moment is crucial.
  • Starting the day with emotional buttons and music can help you feel connected.
  • People can become disconnected from their lives due to the curse of excellence.
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The Impact of Money on Motivation

  • Studies show that financial remuneration can decrease motivation.
  • People's motivation to do something they once loved can drop when money is introduced.
  • Money can have a negative impact on motivation.
  • Financial remuneration can cause people to lose interest in something they once enjoyed.
  • Money can cause people to lose their motivation to do something.
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The Importance of Alignment

  • It's important to ask yourself if what you're doing is in alignment with yourself.
  • People can experience mid-life crises or burnout when they're far from themselves.
  • The temptation of money or applause can drag people away from themselves.
  • It's important to stay in alignment with yourself to avoid burnout.
  • People can be dragged off course by the temptation of money or applause.
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The Impact of Stress on the Body

  • Studies show that stress can have negative impacts on the body.
  • One study involving rats showed that the rat who didn't have control over its exercise had negative markers associated with stress.
  • Stress can have negative impacts on the body's markers.
  • It's important to manage stress to avoid negative impacts on the body.
  • Stress can cause negative markers in the body.
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The Importance of Choosing

  • Choosing vs. having to do something
  • Identity and perception can turn someone into "rat b"
  • People may think they need a career change for happiness
  • Passion can be found within current circumstances
  • There is more room for passion than people think
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The Role of Personal Responsibility

  • Some people struggle with taking personal responsibility
  • Extreme ownership can make someone more likeable
  • There are things that are not our fault
  • Taking responsibility can give a chance to feel better
  • Personal responsibility is important in dating, business, and life
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Building a Relationship

  • Effort is important in building a relationship
  • People should not rely on finding "the one"
  • Relationships require work and communication
  • People should not settle for less than they deserve
  • Building a relationship takes time and effort
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The Importance of Communication

  • Communication is key in any relationship
  • People should be honest and open with their partner
  • Communication can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts
  • People should listen to their partner and show empathy
  • Communication can strengthen a relationship
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Take Responsibility for Your Feelings

  • Don't be powerless in improving your relationship.
  • Don't blame yourself for someone else's behavior.
  • Get curious about how to handle difficult situations in a better way.
  • Don't be a complainer, but focus on what you can do.
  • Ownership is different from fault.
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Confidence and Injustices

  • Confidence is not distributed equally in life.
  • People have different starting points in their confidence.
  • Don't insult people by telling them to be confident.
  • Confidence is like a basket of ingredients.
  • Don't mourn your ingredients, but focus on being the best chef.
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Don't Judge Yourself or Your Ingredients

  • Life is not about ingredients, but about chefs.
  • Don't aspire to have the best ingredients, but to be the best chef.
  • Whatever happens in your life, it becomes a new ingredient.
  • Don't judge yourself or your life based on your ingredients.
  • Focus on being creative with the ingredients you have.
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Conclusion

  • Take responsibility for your feelings and focus on improving your relationship.
  • Confidence is not distributed equally, but focus on being the best chef with the ingredients you have.
  • Don't judge yourself or your life based on your ingredients, but be creative with them.
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The Chef Analogy

  • Being a great chef is something we can continue to get better at our entire lives.
  • If we believe that the ingredients we were handed are inadequate or inferior to the chef stood next to us, we're probably also going to prepare the meal with a certain level of pessimism that's going to result in a worse dish anyway.
  • The agony of looking over at someone else's basket of ingredients and going "oh they've got the ribeye" can drive down performance, belief, confidence, and all those things.
  • Imagine if you took pride in being able to still make something amazing even if you knew that some of the ingredients suck.
  • It's a powerful analogy for privilege as well because the basket of ingredients isn't just what you got in life in terms of circumstances or parents or education, but also what you got in your mind.
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Privilege and Comparison

  • Comparison is insidious because what are you going to do, compare yourself to someone who got a completely different basket of ingredients?
  • The basket of ingredients isn't just what you got in life in terms of circumstances or parents or education, but also what you got in your mind.
  • Everyone could benefit from a kind of acceptance of just starting from where they are.
  • Forget starting from when you were a baby and all of the circumstances you were born into and so on.
  • Imagine that you woke up into your life right now and your only job was to make the most of that life.
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Starting from Where You Are

  • Everyone could benefit from a kind of acceptance of just starting from where they are.
  • Forget starting from when you were a baby and all of the circumstances you were born into and so on.
  • Imagine that you woke up into your life right now and your only job was to make the most of that life.
  • It's important to focus on what you have right now and what you can do with it.
  • Don't let your past mistakes or circumstances hold you back from making the most of your life now.
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Lessons and Opportunities

  • It's important to learn from your past mistakes and experiences.
  • However, it's also important to focus on the opportunities and lessons that are available to you right now.
  • If you woke up into your life right now with a brand new soul, your only job would be to make the most of that life.
  • Don't let fear hold you back from taking advantage of the opportunities that are available to you right now.
  • Focus on what you can do with the opportunities and lessons that are available to you right now.
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The Importance of Lessons Learned

  • Going back to a younger age doesn't necessarily mean a better life.
  • Lessons learned from past experiences bring more peace and wisdom.
  • Erasing traumatic experiences also erases the lessons that come with them.
  • Some trauma is a consequence of a lesson that needed to be learned.
  • Removing trauma may mean having to learn the same lesson again, causing more pain.
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The Value of Pain and Trauma

  • Pain and trauma can prepare us for the rest of our lives.
  • Experiencing pain can lead to learning something essential for future experiences.
  • Some pain can be chronic and centralizing, robbing us of joy in life.
  • Hope from new treatments can uplift us, but disappointment can lead to deeper despair.
  • Living for other people can give us a sense of purpose and joy, even when we are in pain.
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The Importance of Effort in Relationships

  • Building a relationship takes effort and work, rather than relying on the idea of finding "the one."
  • Effort means being present and attentive to the other person's needs and desires.
  • Effort means being willing to compromise and communicate effectively.
  • Effort means being vulnerable and open to growth and change.
  • Effort means being committed to the relationship and willing to work through challenges.
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The Power of Mindset and Perspective

  • Mindset and perspective can shape our experiences and relationships.
  • Having a positive mindset can lead to more positive experiences and relationships.
  • Changing our perspective can lead to new insights and growth.
  • Being grateful for what we have can lead to more joy and contentment.
  • Believing in ourselves and our ability to grow and change can lead to more confidence and success.
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The Importance of Effort in Building a Relationship

  • People often rely on the idea of finding "the one" instead of putting in effort to build a relationship.
  • Effort is necessary to build a strong and lasting relationship.
  • Relationships require consistent effort and communication.
  • People should focus on building a connection with someone rather than just finding someone to fill a void.
  • It's important to be vulnerable and open in a relationship to build trust and intimacy.
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The Importance of Dealing with Trauma and Chronic Pain

  • Dealing with trauma and chronic pain can be a humbling experience.
  • It's important to learn how to make peace with the pain and find ways to reduce the emotional component of it.
  • Chronic pain can impact a person's ability to function and can be emotionally draining.
  • Slowing down and practicing self-compassion can help reduce the impact of chronic pain.
  • Dealing with trauma and chronic pain can help build empathy and humility.
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