Lewis Howes: The Single Biggest Killer Of Relationships | E134

Last updated: Jun 2, 2023

The video is an interview with Lewis Howes discussing the importance of healing past wounds and trauma in order to have healthy relationships, and he shares his personal experience with inner child healing.

The video features an interview with Lewis Howes, a former professional football player turned lifestyle entrepreneur and author. Howes discusses the importance of healing past traumas and working on oneself in order to have healthy relationships. He shares his personal experience of childhood sexual abuse and how it affected his relationships in the past. Howes also talks about the significance of his phone screensaver, which is a photo of himself at five years old, and how it represents his journey of healing his inner child. The interviewer praises Howes for his self-awareness and ability to deliver ideas with wisdom and personal anecdotes.

  • Lewis Howes suffered abuse when he was five years old.
  • Healing past wounds and trauma is essential for healthy relationships.
  • Most men have not been taught how to effectively communicate their guilt and insecurities.
  • Constantly working on oneself is crucial in intimacy and relationships.
  • Lewis Howes believes that the single biggest killer of relationships is unhealed past wounds and trauma.
  • People pleasing, saying yes to things that one does not want to say yes to, and changing oneself to please others are patterns that can be repeated in relationships.
  • Lewis Howes is known for his self-awareness and ability to communicate effectively.
  • Lewis Howes has been doing intensive inner child healing with a therapist.
  • Healing past wounds and trauma is important for having healthy relationships.

Lewis Howes: The Single Biggest Killer Of Relationships | E134 - YouTube

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Lewis Howes' Personal Experience with Healing Past Wounds

  • Lewis Howes suffered abuse when he was five years old.
  • He needed to heal the memories of the past to create healthy relationships with himself and others in the present.
  • Most men have not been taught how to effectively communicate their guilt and insecurities.
  • Constantly working on oneself is crucial in intimacy and relationships.
  • Healing past wounds and trauma is essential for healthy relationships.
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The Single Biggest Killer of Relationships

  • Lewis Howes believes that the single biggest killer of relationships is unhealed past wounds and trauma.
  • Healing past wounds and trauma is essential for healthy relationships.
  • People pleasing, saying yes to things that one does not want to say yes to, and changing oneself to please others are patterns that can be repeated in relationships.
  • These patterns can be traced back to childhood experiences and unhealed wounds.
  • Healing past wounds and trauma can break these patterns and lead to healthier relationships.
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Lewis Howes' Self-Awareness and Wisdom

  • Lewis Howes is known for his self-awareness and ability to communicate effectively.
  • He has done and is doing the work to heal past wounds and trauma.
  • He is genuinely curious about humans on a deep level.
  • He is able to deliver concepts and ideas with wisdom and personal anecdotes attached.
  • His ability to speak and deliver ideas is captivating and keeps people engaged.
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Lewis Howes: The Single Biggest Killer Of Relationships | E134 - YouTube

Lewis Howes' Inner Child Healing

  • Lewis Howes has been doing intensive inner child healing with a therapist.
  • He realized that he was repeating patterns of people pleasing and changing himself to please others in relationships.
  • These patterns were traced back to childhood experiences and unhealed wounds.
  • Healing past wounds and trauma is essential for healthy relationships.
  • He has a photo of himself at five years old as his phone screensaver to remind him of the need to heal his inner child.
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Childhood Trauma and Its Impact on Relationships

  • Lewis Howes shares his personal experience of feeling unworthy and unlovable due to past trauma and abuse.
  • He explains how this narrative affected his ability to form healthy relationships with himself and others.
  • He emphasizes the importance of healing past wounds in order to create healthy relationships in the present.
  • Childhood trauma can lead to a negative self-image and a belief that one is unlovable or unworthy.
  • These beliefs can impact one's ability to form healthy relationships with oneself and others.
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Personal Experience with Childhood Trauma

  • Lewis Howes shares his personal experience of being picked on as a kid, feeling neglected by parents and family members, and dealing with sexual abuse.
  • He struggled throughout school and felt like he was unlovable or being taken advantage of.
  • He built a persona or mask to defend himself by becoming a great athlete, but this left him feeling angry and resentful.
  • He suffered abuse from a babysitter's son when he was five, but didn't understand it was abuse at the time.
  • He lived with the memory of the abuse for 25 years until he went through a transformational workshop experience that helped him face and heal from it.
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The Importance of Communicating Shame and Insecurities

  • Lewis Howes emphasizes the importance of effectively communicating shame, guilt, and insecurities.
  • Most men have not been taught how to communicate these feelings effectively.
  • Women are more likely to meet with friends on a weekly basis to talk about their shame, insecurities, and challenges in relationships and work.
  • Men need to learn how to effectively communicate their shame, guilt, and insecurities in order to form healthy relationships with themselves and others.
  • Opening up and talking about shame and insecurities can be a spiritually freeing experience.
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The Power of Healing and Helping Others

  • Lewis Howes shares how opening up about his past trauma and abuse helped him heal and set him free.
  • He was afraid of losing everything, but realized that helping one man heal from what they've been through was worth it.
  • Opening up about his past trauma and abuse led to a powerful aftermath of men opening up about their own experiences of sexual abuse or trauma.
  • Helping others heal can be a profound and spiritually freeing experience.
  • Healing past wounds and trauma can lead to healthy relationships with oneself and others.
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Lack of Emotional Education

  • Women are taught to talk about their emotions, but men are not.
  • Men with unhealed emotional wounds can cause pain in the world.
  • There is a lack of emotional education in schools.
  • Social media has helped to make it more acceptable for men to talk about their emotions.
  • Lewis Howes wants to be a model for men to heal and learn emotional regulation.
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Challenging Family Dynamics

  • Lewis Howes' father had severe brain trauma and never fully recovered.
  • His parents did not have the tools for emotional regulation or effective communication.
  • He grew up in fear and was afraid of his father's anger.
  • His brother went to prison when he was eight years old.
  • He begged his parents to send him away to a private boarding school at 13 because he didn't feel safe at home.
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The Impact of Unhealed Wounds

  • Unhealed emotional wounds can cause people to be defensive or reactive.
  • People without emotional regulation can cause pain in the world through domestic violence, war, and social media reactions.
  • Men specifically need to learn emotional regulation tools.
  • Unhealed wounds can impact family dynamics and make people feel unsafe.
  • It's important to have tools to process wounds in order to interact effectively with others.
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The Importance of Healing

  • Healing past wounds and trauma is important for having healthy relationships.
  • Inner child healing can help people to heal past wounds.
  • Healing can help people to communicate effectively and regulate their emotions.
  • Healing can help people to feel safe and have healthy family dynamics.
  • Healing can help people to avoid causing pain in the world through their unhealed wounds.
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Lewis Howes' Relationship with His Father

  • Lewis Howes' father was a loving guy but had anger issues.
  • His father had a massive transformation when Lewis turned 13 and started to dive into emotional intelligence training workshops.
  • Lewis had an incredible relationship with his dad from 13 to 21.
  • When his father got into an accident, Lewis didn't have a mentor that was showing up in a different way.
  • Something shifted within Lewis when his father was physically alive but emotionally and mentally not there.
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The Impact of His Father's Accident

  • Lewis' father got into an accident when he was around 21.
  • It was devastating because Lewis didn't have a mentor that was showing up in a different way.
  • Something shifted within Lewis where he couldn't rely on his father for money or wisdom.
  • Lewis had to unleash something new that he didn't think was inside of him.
  • Something shifted in Lewis 17 years ago when his dad got in the accident.
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The Positive Impact of His Father's Accident

  • Lewis doesn't think he would be the man he is today without his father's accident.
  • It made him unleash something inside of him that was untapped.
  • Lewis met people who had processed their emotions and had a perspective on things.
  • His father's accident brought so much urgency to Lewis.
  • Lewis is now on a mission to want to change lives and serve millions of people around the world.
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The Lessons Learned from His Father's Accident

  • Lewis' father felt larger than life.
  • If this could happen to a guy who feels larger than life, then it brought so much urgency to Lewis.
  • Lewis learned that life is short and anything can happen at any time.
  • He learned to appreciate the people in his life and to not take them for granted.
  • Lewis learned to process his emotions and to heal past wounds and trauma in order to have healthy relationships.
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The Importance of Prioritizing Meaningful Relationships

  • It's important to prioritize relationships that are meaningful to you.
  • It takes effort and work to get to a place where you can pursue what you truly love.
  • It's important to have a mission and intention for your life.
  • Shift your attention to things that really matter.
  • Reflect on what you would say yes to if it could all be over in a moment.
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The Importance of Healing Past Wounds and Trauma

  • Healing past wounds and trauma is important for having healthy relationships.
  • Inner child healing can help you heal past wounds and trauma.
  • Reflecting on what you would say if it was over tomorrow can help you prioritize healing.
  • Reflecting on what you would say if it was over tomorrow can help you prioritize healing.
  • Reflecting on what you would say if it was over tomorrow can help you prioritize healing.
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The Importance of Prioritizing Relationships with Family

  • It's important to prioritize relationships with family.
  • Reflect on how often you see your family and how many times you have left with them.
  • Put your relationship with family in perspective.
  • Reflect on how much you are giving to your relationship with family.
  • Take responsibility for your part in the relationship with family.
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The Importance of Your Healing Journey

  • Your healing journey is important.
  • Reflect on how you would feel if someone you had a difficult relationship with passed away.
  • It's important to prioritize your own healing journey.
  • Reflect on how your past experiences have shaped who you are today.
  • Be grateful for the lessons you have learned from your past experiences.
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Healing from past wounds

  • Healing comes not just from therapy and books, but from human experiences, adventure, learning new skills and hobbies, and progressing as a human.
  • Sexual abuse was a part of Lewis Howes' past, but he has healed from it and taken his power back.
  • Rewriting stories in an empowering way can make us powerful instead of powerless.
  • Healing from childhood trauma is a journey that takes time.
  • Emotional regulation is an important part of healing.
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Three phases of life

  • Lewis Howes describes his life in three phases: preteens, teens to 22, and 20s to 30s.
  • Post-30s is when the work really started to begin for him.
  • He allowed himself to be vulnerable for the first time at 30.
  • There were symptoms of an internal conflict that suggested he didn't have it all figured out.
  • Learning the art of emotional regulation was a turning point for him.
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Choosing partners based on wounds

  • Lewis Howes was choosing partners based on wounds from his childhood.
  • He was taking on the mother role and giving in, just like his mom did with his dad.
  • He would change himself to make his partners happy, abandoning himself in the process.
  • He thought that when you love someone, you'll do whatever you can to make that love stay and last.
  • He was creating pain, resentment, anger, and frustration by abandoning himself over and over again.
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Finding authentic power

  • Lewis Howes hadn't learned how to fully love and honor his authentic power.
  • He deeply wanted people to like him and the person he was giving his heart to, to love and accept him.
  • He was choosing partners based on wounds from his parents.
  • He was creating pain, resentment, anger, and frustration by abandoning himself over and over again.
  • He learned how to say no and be around someone who was unhappy with him in business and friends, but not in intimacy.
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Importance of Authenticity in Relationships

  • Authentic love is accepting the person for who they are and vice versa.
  • Trying to change someone means you shouldn't be with them.
  • Relationships should be about elevating each other to grow.
  • If there are fundamental things about a person that you don't like, find someone else.
  • Being obnoxiously yourself and receiving someone for who they are creates authentic trust.
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The Impact of Trauma on Relationships

  • Trauma can lead to people-pleasing behavior.
  • Compromising everything to keep someone happy leads to resentment in the long term.
  • Real love is not about changing who you are to make someone happy.
  • Compromising on activities is okay, but not on core values and authentic power.
  • Compromising on core personality is essentially saying "screw you" to our creator.
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The Importance of Being True to Yourself

  • Improving and adjusting flaws is important, but not changing core personality for anyone.
  • Changing for one person doesn't seem like a good situation.
  • Being true to yourself is important for personal growth.
  • Compromising on priorities and core values is not an option.
  • Being 100% yourself in life is the best way to be.
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The Role of Authenticity in Lewis Howes' Relationship

  • Being obnoxiously himself and receiving Martha for who she is created authentic trust.
  • He had a conversation with her early on about his unwillingness to compromise his core values and priorities.
  • He wanted to be single when he first met her, but being himself around her made him realize he wanted to be with her.
  • Being authentic to himself and receiving her for who she is has created a beautiful relationship.
  • Authenticity is key to a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
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Importance of Priorities in Relationships

  • After healing from past wounds, Lewis Howes wanted to be single for a year.
  • He met someone special and took it slow for three months.
  • He told her that his health and mission are his top priorities, not her.
  • He explained that without taking care of himself, he can't fully show up for her.
  • She appreciated his honesty and shared that she had been looking for someone with a purpose.
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The Danger of Abandoning Yourself in Relationships

  • Lewis Howes realized that in previous relationships, he abandoned himself to make someone else happy.
  • He tried to create peace in an environment where there was never peace.
  • He wore a mask and tried to fix the relationship instead of being true to himself.
  • He takes responsibility for his decisions and staying in relationships that weren't in alignment with his values and vision.
  • He learned that the only way to have a healthy relationship is to fully accept who you are and not compromise on your values.
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The Importance of Having a Mission

  • Lewis Howes believes that having a mission or calling is essential for a fulfilling life and relationship.
  • He realized that he was unhappy in previous relationships because he wasn't fulfilling his purpose.
  • He wants to be of service to his partner in a high, beautiful, and authentic way.
  • He believes that when he's healthy and working on himself, he can have an incredible relationship.
  • He wants to be with someone who accepts his priorities and values.
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The Importance of Being Willing to Walk Away

  • Lewis Howes believes that being willing to walk away from a relationship is essential for his peace of mind.
  • He doesn't want to compromise on who he is and what he values.
  • He wants the best for himself and his partner.
  • He's not attached to the relationship and is willing to let it go if it's not in alignment with his values and vision.
  • He believes that being willing to walk away brings him peace.
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The Importance of Healing Past Wounds and Trauma

  • Lewis Howes shares his personal experience with inner child healing.
  • He emphasizes the importance of healing past wounds and trauma in order to have healthy relationships.
  • Unhealed trauma can lead to self-sabotage and the destruction of relationships.
  • Healing past wounds involves acknowledging and processing emotions, seeking therapy, and practicing self-care.
  • It is important to communicate with your partner about your healing journey and to support each other in the process.
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The Foundation of a Healthy Relationship

  • The foundation of a healthy relationship is built on two levels: health and mission.
  • Without a strong foundation of health, nothing else can sit on the table.
  • Having a sense of mission and purpose in life is also crucial for a healthy relationship.
  • The relationship sits on top of both foundations and is enabled by them.
  • Abandoning one's sense of mission can lead to resentment and a lack of fulfillment in the relationship.
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The Importance of Therapy in a Relationship

  • Lewis Howes and his girlfriend started therapy together when things were going well in their relationship.
  • Therapy can be a preventative measure to maintain a healthy relationship, rather than a reaction to problems.
  • Therapy can help couples process emotions, communicate effectively, and align their values and goals.
  • It is important to be open and honest with your partner about your emotional needs and to prioritize emotional accountability.
  • Therapy can be a powerful tool for personal growth and for strengthening the bond between partners.
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The Importance of Communication and Vulnerability

  • Communication and vulnerability are key components of a healthy relationship.
  • It is important to be open and honest with your partner about your emotions and needs.
  • Processing emotions and communicating effectively can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.
  • Being vulnerable with your partner can deepen the emotional connection and strengthen the relationship.
  • It is important to create a safe space for vulnerability and to support each other in the process.
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