The COMMON MYTHS About Relationships & How To ACTUALLY Find Love | Humble The Poet & Jay Shetty

Last updated: Jun 1, 2023

The video is a conversation between Jay Shetty and Humble The Poet about common myths about relationships and how to actually find love.

In this video, Jay Shetty interviews Humble the Poet about his new book, "How to Be Loved," which focuses on simple truths for going easier on yourself, embracing imperfection, and loving your way to a better life. They discuss common myths about relationships and how to actually find love, emphasizing the importance of doing the work to create a better relationship with oneself, which will inform every single relationship we have around us. They also touch on the idea of impressing someone in the early stages of a relationship and why we feel the need to do so. Overall, the conversation is a deep and meaningful exploration of love and relationships.

  • Love is already there, it's not something to be found or won.
  • Working on ourselves creates better relationships with others.
  • Meaningful conversations can lead to personal growth and deeper connections with others.
  • Impressing someone can come from a desire to be liked or accepted, but it's important to be authentic.
  • Self-respect is developed by keeping promises to oneself and doing hard things.
  • Chasing attention and validation can close pathways to love.
  • Setting intentions is more important than setting expectations.
  • Deep connections with others are developed through vulnerabilities.
  • Self-love involves honoring commitments, doing hard things, and practicing vulnerability.

The COMMON MYTHS About Relationships & How To ACTUALLY Find Love | Humble The Poet & Jay Shetty - YouTube

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The Myth of Finding Love

  • Love is already there, you don't find it or win it.
  • Struggle in relationships often comes from not being able to receive love.
  • Working on ourselves creates better relationships with others.
  • Relationships are informed by the relationship we have with ourselves.
  • Love is not something to be found, but rather something to be cultivated.
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Introducing Humble The Poet

  • Humble The Poet is a Canadian-born rapper, spoken word artist, designer, poet, and former elementary school teacher.
  • He has released two international best-selling books, "Unlearn" and "Things Nobody Can Teach Us."
  • His new book, "How To Be Loved," focuses on simple truths for going easier on yourself, embracing imperfection, and loving your way to a better life.
  • Jay Shetty encourages listeners to grab a copy of the book.
  • The two have been friends for four years and have meaningful conversations.
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The Importance of Meaningful Conversations

  • Both Jay Shetty and Humble The Poet value deep, thoughtful conversations.
  • They have found a way to have meaningful conversations despite their busy schedules.
  • They cherish their friendship and appreciate each other's insights.
  • Meaningful conversations can lead to personal growth and deeper connections with others.
  • They can also help us learn from others and gain new perspectives.
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The COMMON MYTHS About Relationships & How To ACTUALLY Find Love | Humble The Poet & Jay Shetty - YouTube

The Idea of Impressing Others in Love

  • Impressing someone is often a big part of how love starts.
  • Both Jay Shetty and Humble The Poet have gone to great lengths to impress women in the past.
  • Impressing someone can come from a desire to be liked or accepted.
  • It can also come from a desire to show our best selves to someone we care about.
  • However, it's important to be authentic and not lose ourselves in the process of impressing someone.
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The Importance of Self-Respect in Finding Love

  • Self-esteem is external, while self-respect is internal.
  • Self-respect is developed by keeping promises to oneself and doing hard things.
  • Chasing self-esteem can lead to negative impacts from external opinions.
  • Focusing on self-respect leads to a level of peace and wanting less.
  • Self-respect can be developed through anything that one commits to do.
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The Negative Impact of Seeking Attention and Validation

  • Modern life has made the need for validation and attention more challenging.
  • The world subtly tells people who to be based on attention metrics.
  • Chasing attention and validation can close pathways to love.
  • External validation can lead to living for display purposes.
  • It is important to discover one's authentic self to find love.
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The Difference Between Intentions and Expectations

  • Setting intentions is more important than setting expectations.
  • Expectations can harm one's relationship with oneself.
  • Progress should be the focus instead of perfection.
  • Small steps towards progress can lead to endless growth.
  • Society's message to chase perfection is not conducive to finding love.
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The Importance of Vulnerability in Developing Deep Connections

  • Deep connections with others are developed through vulnerabilities.
  • Perfection is the last place love would exist.
  • Love is not about attention, control, power, admiration, beauty, or success.
  • Bootleg love is like getting a fake Gucci belt from an outlet mall.
  • Focusing on progress and self-respect leads to a level of peace.
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Vulnerability and Self-Love

  • Vulnerability comes through self-respect.
  • Being brave enough to admit your challenges opens up opportunities for deeper connections.
  • We often mistake attention, validation, and compliments for love.
  • Perfection is not necessary for love and relationships.
  • Honoring commitments, doing hard things, and practicing vulnerability are important habits for self-love.
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Why Doing Hard Things is Important in Finding Love

  • Convenience and comfort do not inspire growth or evolution.
  • Voluntarily doing hard things prepares us for when hard things find us.
  • Picking challenges that are uncomfortable and unfamiliar helps us grow.
  • Challenges make us stronger and more resilient.
  • We need resistance and push and pull to become better versions of ourselves.
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The Importance of Vulnerability in Relationships

  • Being vulnerable with others allows for deeper connections.
  • Sharing challenges and struggles can help others feel less alone.
  • Being vulnerable takes courage and strength.
  • Perfection is not necessary for love and relationships.
  • Honoring commitments, doing hard things, and practicing vulnerability are important habits for self-love and relationships.
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The Connection Between Self-Love and Finding Love

  • Self-love involves honoring commitments, doing hard things, and practicing vulnerability.
  • These habits are important when we are alone and single.
  • Doing hard things prepares us for when hard things find us.
  • Practicing vulnerability allows for deeper connections with others.
  • Perfection is not necessary for love and relationships.
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Chasing Comfort vs. Resilience

  • Chasing comfort, stability, and convenience is not the way to find love.
  • Choosing the harder way of doing things builds resilience and prepares us for the difficulties of life.
  • Recognizing our value as individuals and being of service to others is a language of love.
  • Getting comfortable in discomfort is a necessary skill in life.
  • Society teaches us to prioritize likability over everything, but establishing boundaries and showing our teeth is important for realizing love.
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Ancient Anxieties of Danger

  • Feeling left out and rejected brings up ancient anxieties of danger.
  • Our programming prioritizes likability over everything, but this won't necessarily help us realize more love.
  • Not everyone will like us, and that's okay. Focusing on building deeper connections with those who matter is important.
  • Vulnerability is often viewed as weakness, but it's important for building deeper connections.
  • Empathy is feeling someone's pain, not trying to solve their problems or shut them up.
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The Myth of the One

  • The idea of "the one" is a myth that puts too much pressure on finding the perfect person.
  • There are many potential partners out there, and it's important to focus on finding someone who aligns with our values and goals.
  • Compatibility is more important than chemistry.
  • It's important to work on ourselves and our own issues before entering a relationship.
  • Communication and compromise are key for a successful relationship.
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The Importance of Self-Love

  • Self-love is the foundation for all other types of love.
  • It's important to recognize and accept our flaws and imperfections.
  • Self-care is important for maintaining our mental and emotional health.
  • Setting boundaries and saying no is important for protecting our own well-being.
  • Forgiving ourselves and others is important for moving forward and finding peace.
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The Importance of Vulnerability

  • Vulnerability is often seen as weakness, but it is actually a sign of strength.
  • Admitting where you are struggling is the ultimate strength.
  • Sitting with your pain is necessary to experience love.
  • Suppressing discomfort or trauma can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
  • Loneliness is a lack of connection, not a lack of people around.
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The Relationship with Yourself

  • Being alone and doing nothing is a form of meditation and self-connection.
  • Grounding yourself through self-connection allows for healthier relationships with others.
  • Self-pity is not a true form of connection with oneself.
  • Dancing or appreciating your physical body can be a first step towards self-connection.
  • Creating an authentic pathway of love with oneself can inform relationships with others.
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The Myth of Completing Each Other

  • The idea of needing someone to complete you is a myth perpetuated by media and society.
  • Healthy relationships are often not eventful or entertaining.
  • Unhealthy attachment styles can lead to the need for completion in a relationship.
  • Loneliness is often outsourced to others, leading to a lack of true connection.
  • Creating a relationship with oneself is necessary before pursuing a relationship with others.
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The Importance of Boundaries

  • Respecting boundaries is necessary for healthy relationships.
  • Boundaries allow for clear communication and understanding of each other's needs.
  • Ignoring boundaries can lead to resentment and unhealthy dynamics.
  • Self-connection can help in respecting and setting boundaries.
  • Boundaries can lead to deeper and more authentic connections with others.
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Compromising Boundaries for Likability

  • We compromise our own values and boundaries to appear more likable.
  • Short-term gratification versus long-term consequences.
  • Many of us were raised to find our value when we're needed.
  • Compromising boundaries builds resentment and prevents love.
  • Establishing boundaries is uncomfortable but leads to healthy relationships.
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The Importance of Self-Awareness

  • Self-awareness is necessary to communicate effectively in relationships.
  • Knowing our own working style and pet peeves can make us more confident and comfortable in relationships.
  • Self-awareness leads to better communication and understanding in relationships.
  • Self-awareness requires updating our policies and beliefs as we grow and experience life.
  • Self-awareness helps us avoid operating from a place of guilt and fear.
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The Role of Vulnerability in Relationships

  • Being vulnerable is uncomfortable but necessary for building meaningful relationships.
  • Many of us avoid vulnerability by being one-sided listeners or avoiding setting boundaries.
  • Avoiding vulnerability builds resentment and prevents love.
  • Being vulnerable requires self-awareness and the willingness to be uncomfortable.
  • Being vulnerable leads to deeper connections and more fulfilling relationships.
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The Importance of Gratitude in Relationships

  • Gratitude is necessary for building and maintaining healthy relationships.
  • Gratitude must come from a place of love, not guilt or fear.
  • Gratitude requires self-awareness and the willingness to give without expecting anything in return.
  • Gratitude helps us avoid resentment and build stronger connections with others.
  • Gratitude requires us to update our policies and beliefs about relationships as we grow and experience life.
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Myth of Perfection in Love

  • People often expect their partner to be perfect.
  • They believe that their partner should already understand them.
  • People lack self-awareness to share their pet peeves.
  • Openness is required to accept imperfections in a relationship.
  • Both partners need to have knowledge of themselves.
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Skewed Ideas About Love

  • Love is not something you earn or qualify for.
  • Imperfections do not disqualify someone from love.
  • Love is not at the end of the rainbow.
  • Love is not something you win.
  • Love is not something you need to qualify for.
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Love Bombing and Self-Awareness

  • Love bombing is a common practice to win someone over.
  • Men often spend time trying to win over the other person without considering if they are a good fit.
  • Women find this confusing as they thought the man was into them.
  • Both partners need to be intentional with what they are looking for.
  • Self-awareness is required to avoid love bombing and falling in love too fast.
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Intentionality in Relationships

  • Being intentional with what you are looking for is important.
  • People need to check if the other person is for real.
  • Both partners need to take things slower.
  • People need to avoid falling in love too fast.
  • Intentionality is required to avoid misunderstandings and heartbreaks.
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