The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won't Last & How To ACTUALLY Find Love! | Esther Perel

Last updated: Jun 1, 2023

The video is about the key signs that a relationship won't last and how to find love, with Esther Perel discussing various factors that can lead to the downfall of a relationship, including complacency, lack of communication, distrust, contempt, violence, and money issues.

The video features an interview with Esther Perel, a relationship expert, who discusses the key signs that a relationship won't last and how to find love. She lists several factors that can kill a relationship, including complacency, lack of communication, distrust, contempt, violence, and financial issues. Perel emphasizes the importance of building trust and deep attention in a relationship, which can lead to a sense of being seen and known, and ultimately, a vibrant and fulfilling connection. The interview also touches on the idea of not letting small issues accumulate over time and the importance of addressing them early on.

  • Complacency, lack of communication, distrust, contempt, violence, and money issues can all lead to the downfall of a relationship.
  • Good will and benefit of the doubt are important in building trust.
  • Childhood experiences shape our attachment styles and affect our adult relationships.
  • Self-awareness is key to understanding your needs and desires in a relationship.
  • Complacency is a disconnect in a relationship.
  • People in a relationship often focus on what's wrong with the other person.
  • There are three types of dances in a couple: confrontation fight, fight flight, and total distance.
  • Language and words are extremely important in organizing ourselves cognitively, physically, and emotionally.
  • Finding love requires being open and vulnerable.

The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won't Last & How To ACTUALLY Find Love! | Esther Perel - YouTube

The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

Factors that can lead to the downfall of a relationship

  • Complacency and pure laziness
  • Lack of communication
  • Profound sense of distrust
  • Contempt and dehumanization of the other person
  • Violence and aggression of all kinds
  • Loss of physical connection and affection
  • Money issues and discrepancies of responsibility
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

The importance of communication and vulnerability in a relationship

  • Good will and benefit of the doubt are important in building trust
  • Thanking, acknowledging, and validating the other person's feelings
  • Being seen and known by the other person
  • Having deep attention and curiosity to get to know the other person
  • Penetration of attention is highly erotic and makes you feel alive and vibrant
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

The impact of childhood experiences on adult relationships

  • Childhood experiences shape our attachment styles and affect our adult relationships
  • Secure attachment style leads to healthy relationships
  • Avoidant attachment style leads to emotional distance and fear of intimacy
  • Anxious attachment style leads to clinginess and fear of abandonment
  • Understanding your attachment style can help you improve your relationships
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won't Last & How To ACTUALLY Find Love! | Esther Perel - YouTube

The importance of self-awareness and self-love in finding love

  • Self-awareness is key to understanding your needs and desires in a relationship
  • Self-love is important in attracting healthy relationships
  • Being comfortable with yourself and your own company is attractive to others
  • Don't settle for less than what you deserve in a relationship
  • Be open to new experiences and people, but also trust your instincts
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

Complacency in Relationships

  • Complacency is a disconnect in a relationship.
  • It's when you stop noticing things and become a function defined by tasks.
  • Complacency is a lack of acknowledgement and a big bias towards the negative.
  • It's a step-by-step process that creates a disconnect.
  • Complacency is a lesser fair attitude where you don't notice things anymore.
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

Blindness in Relationships

  • People in a relationship often focus on what's wrong with the other person.
  • They stop looking at themselves and become completely focused on the other person.
  • Couples therapy is often a drop-off center where people come to tell you what's wrong with their partner.
  • The first thing you do in couples therapy is reconfigure the lens and talk about what you've done to improve things.
  • You need to hear the multiple voices in a relationship to understand the story.
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

Different Types of Dances in a Couple

  • There are three types of dances in a couple: confrontation fight, fight flight, and total distance.
  • One person often comes in and blames the other person for everything.
  • It's important to hear the multiple voices in a relationship to understand the story.
  • High conflict relationships are often highly reactive.
  • You only see what the other person did to which you reacted, without realizing that your reaction is their action.
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

Unwinding the Disconnect

  • It's important to reconfigure the lens and talk about what you've done to improve things.
  • You need to hear the multiple voices in a relationship to understand the story.
  • High conflict relationships are often highly reactive.
  • You only see what the other person did to which you reacted, without realizing that your reaction is their action.
  • It's important to acknowledge your own biases and work on them.
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

The Importance of Language and Naming

  • Language and words are extremely important in organizing ourselves cognitively, physically, and emotionally.
  • Naming is framing, but the naming itself needs to become particular to the person.
  • Language shapes the experience, and once you tell a story, you experience the story the way you have told it.
  • The goal of therapy is to help people leave with a different story than the one they came in with.
  • Blanket statements about relationships depend on the cultural context in which they exist.
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

The Power of Cultural Context

  • The meaning of words can be completely different in different cultural contexts.
  • It is important to remain curious and ask what words mean for each person.
  • Marriage can have completely different definitions in different cultures.
  • For example, in some cultures, happiness in marriage has nothing to do with intimacy with one's partner.
  • Sex, death, and money are all culturally defined concepts.
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

The Downfall of Relationships

  • Complacency, lack of communication, distrust, contempt, violence, and money issues can all lead to the downfall of a relationship.
  • It is important to recognize the signs of these issues and address them early on.
  • Relationships require effort and work to maintain.
  • It is important to prioritize the relationship and make time for each other.
  • Communication is key in any relationship.
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

Finding Love

  • Finding love requires being open and vulnerable.
  • It is important to know and understand oneself before seeking a partner.
  • Compatibility is important, but it is also important to be willing to compromise and work through differences.
  • Love is not just a feeling, but also a choice and a commitment.
  • It is important to have realistic expectations and not expect a partner to fulfill all of one's needs.
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

Contextualizing Relationships

  • Defining a couple and marriage
  • Expectations brought to marriage and how they differ from previous generations
  • Importance of understanding family history and cultural background
  • Individualism versus collectivism
  • Global differences in the concept of marriage
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

Effective Communication

  • Importance of defining terms and understanding their meaning
  • Contextualizing speech within family and cultural background
  • Being aware of partner's context and bringing it together for effective communication
  • Meaning-making creatures and the impact on defining success, loyalty, and closeness
  • Clarifying and lightening up communication
The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won

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The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won't Last & How To ACTUALLY Find Love! | Esther Perel - YouTube

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