She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56

Last updated: Jun 2, 2023

The video is an episode of the podcast "Diary of a CEO" where the host interviews Dr. Aria about his experience of being cheated on by his wife, who also became pregnant with another man's child.

The video is an episode of the podcast "Diary of a CEO" featuring Dr. Aria, a high-performance coach who works with athletes and actors. However, in this episode, Dr. Aria shares a personal story about his wife cheating on him and getting pregnant with another man's child. The host, Stephen Bartlett, reflects on a previous conversation they had about monogamy and cheating and how it now seems like a cruel coincidence. Dr. Aria shares his emotional journey of losing his wife, home, and everything he held dear.

  • The podcast is about hearing stories from people.
  • Dr. Aria is a world-renowned high-performance coach.
  • Last time Dr. Aria was on the podcast, they talked about life, success, mindset, and psychology.
  • Dr. Aria's wife cheated on him and became pregnant with another man's child.
  • Dr. Aria believes in the philosophy of stillness.
  • Dr. Aria has been reflecting on the topic of monogamy.
  • Dr. Aria wants to help others reach a stage of stillness and perspective.
  • Dr. Aria experienced a sense of loss and grief.
  • Dr. Aria was in the habit of placing his wife's emotional well-being and happiness on the same level as his own.

She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 - YouTube

She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 001

Introduction

  • The podcast is about hearing stories from people.
  • Dr. Aria is a world-renowned high-performance coach.
  • He works with accomplished athletes and actors.
  • He is here to talk about something very different and uncomfortable.
  • Stephen Bartlett is the host of the podcast.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 002

A Cruel Coincidence

  • Last time Dr. Aria was on the podcast, they talked about life, success, mindset, and psychology.
  • Stephen asked Dr. Aria personal questions about monogamy, cheating, love, and marriage.
  • Dr. Aria laughed nervously when Stephen asked him if someone can love and cheat on someone else.
  • After the podcast, Dr. Aria told Stephen a story that gave the whole team goosebumps.
  • The story was about Dr. Aria's wife telling him that she had an affair and was pregnant with another man's child.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 004

The Moment of Truth

  • Dr. Aria's wife picked him up from the train station, and they planned to have brunch.
  • She told him that she needed to tell him something bad about their marriage.
  • They drove home in silence, and Dr. Aria had a sinking feeling.
  • She told him that she had an affair with a man from work and was pregnant with his child.
  • Dr. Aria felt like he lost everything he held dear.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 005

She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 - YouTube

The Aftermath

  • Dr. Aria's wife moved out of their home.
  • He had to tell his parents-in-law about the affair and the pregnancy.
  • He had to deal with the emotional pain and trauma of the situation.
  • He had to decide whether to forgive his wife and try to save their marriage or move on.
  • He learned to focus on his own healing and growth.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 006

Dr. Aria's Experience

  • Dr. Aria's wife cheated on him and became pregnant with another man's child.
  • Dr. Aria was completely speechless when he found out.
  • Dr. Aria was able to remain calm and rational when discussing the situation.
  • Dr. Aria has been processing the situation for the past 18 months.
  • Dr. Aria has been reflecting on themes such as monogamy, love, and betrayal.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 008

Philosophy of Stillness

  • Dr. Aria believes in the philosophy of stillness.
  • He believes that the stillest part of the hurricane is its center.
  • Dr. Aria heard a whisper within him that everything will be okay.
  • Dr. Aria believes that life involves suffering.
  • He has developed the ability to view his life as though it's happening to someone else.
  • Dr. Aria has perspective and can see and feel his experiences, but knows that they are temporary.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 009

Monogamy and Relationships

  • Dr. Aria has been reflecting on the topic of monogamy.
  • He questions whether monogamy exists and if it is natural.
  • Dr. Aria wonders if we are set up to live a life where we're in one relationship with one person only.
  • Dr. Aria believes that cheating on someone does not necessarily mean that you do not love them.
  • He believes that love and sex are separate entities.
  • Dr. Aria believes that communication and honesty are key in any relationship.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 010

Helping Others

  • Dr. Aria wants to help others reach a stage of stillness and perspective.
  • He began on a journey of Buddhist exploration to understand the nature of life.
  • Dr. Aria believes that life involves suffering, but it doesn't end there.
  • He believes that bad things happen, but it's important to ask where they are taking you.
  • Dr. Aria believes that his experiences have led him to where he is today and he wants to use them to help others.
  • He believes that everyone has the ability to cultivate stillness and perspective in their lives.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 012

Initial Reaction

  • Dr. Aria and his wife were calm when they told him about her affair and pregnancy with another man's child.
  • He felt overwhelming sadness and a sense of loss rather than anger.
  • He struggled to let go of placing his wife's emotional well-being and happiness on the same level as his own.
  • He still had a fear of upsetting her or her not being okay.
  • He believes that empathy towards others is the path to enlightenment.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 013

Process of Moving On

  • Dr. Aria cried every day for hours for about three months.
  • He walked and processed what happened.
  • He did not try to avoid experiencing his emotions.
  • He was not defined by the pain he was experiencing.
  • He believes that holding emotions out in front of you allows for more space and understanding.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 014

Grief and Loss

  • Dr. Aria experienced a sense of loss and grief.
  • He did not want anyone to go through the experience of feeling like they have messed up hugely.
  • He believes that emotional awareness is being able to experience internally your thoughts and emotions and externally what's happening as if it's happening to someone else.
  • He believes that understanding allows for addressing and overcoming emotions.
  • He believes that emotional fusion with emotions leads to immediate emotional or behavioral reactions.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 016

Placing Her Well-Being First

  • Dr. Aria was in the habit of placing his wife's emotional well-being and happiness on the same level as his own.
  • He struggled to let go of this habit.
  • He still had a fear of upsetting her or her not being okay.
  • He loved her and was connected to her emotionally.
  • He believes that empathy towards others is the path to enlightenment.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 017

Awareness and Acceptance of Emotions

  • Dr. Aria advises not to put emotions in a box or deny them, but to accept and welcome them.
  • He reminds himself that he can only experience one moment at a time and deals with each moment as it comes.
  • He doesn't think about overwhelming factors such as financial separation, divorce, or future relationships.
  • He deals with one moment at a time and accepts and welcomes whatever emotion comes up.
  • He cries a lot because there is so much sadness.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 018

Reminding Himself of Reality

  • Dr. Aria had an internal model of a strong, stable marriage with a faithful partner and children together.
  • He had to accept that it's over and there's no going back.
  • He wrote down reminders of what had happened and any insights he had about the situation.
  • He wrote down how he wanted to handle the process and hold himself to the highest standard.
  • He wanted to get through the process with personal integrity and without acting out of spite or emotion.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 020

Opportunities for Growth

  • Dr. Aria believes that the deepest moments of suffering can be opportunities for growth.
  • He advises that even if you don't want it, there's something to learn and grow from.
  • He reminds himself that he doesn't need anything from his ex-wife anymore.
  • He writes down reminders that he has nothing to feel bad or guilty about.
  • He doesn't pursue thoughts that create shame or reasons to feel bad.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 021

Handling the Process

  • Dr. Aria advises to hold yourself to the highest standard and choose actions that you can be proud of.
  • He believes that how you get through the process is more important than how quickly you get through it.
  • He believes that with God, you can become stronger, wiser, more caring, compassionate, and loving.
  • He advises to have a clear conscience and be able to look back on the situation and feel good about how you handled it.
  • He writes down reminders to himself that he can get through this and become a better person.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 022

Dr. Aria's Analogy

  • Dr. Aria shares an analogy he uses to describe his experience of being cheated on.
  • He compares it to being a pilot flying a plane and suddenly being attacked by terrorists who want to crash the plane.
  • He describes the terrorists as his ego, which is bruised by the rejection and betrayal.
  • He talks about the struggle between the terrorists and the pilot, with the pilot representing his rational self.
  • He explains how he had to hold the situation out in front of him and not let his ego take control.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 024

The Emotion of Anger

  • Dr. Aria talks about the emotion of anger and how it was intimately attached to his ego.
  • He shares that 95% of his emotion was sadness, while only 5% was anger.
  • He describes how the anger was like a flame and how he shouted and moved up and down in rage.
  • He explains how the anger was linked to his attachment to his ego and ownership of his wife and house.
  • He talks about the vulnerability of being inflicted by the ego and how it's an illusion.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 025

Reframing the Situation

  • Dr. Aria shares how his friend helped him reframe the situation and see it from a different perspective.
  • He talks about how his friend massaged his ego and helped him realize that some of the stories he told himself about rejection weren't true.
  • He explains how this helped him take control of the cockpit and not punish his wife in any way.
  • He talks about how he was able to hold the situation out in front of him and not let his ego take control.
  • He shares how he was able to move on and not let the situation define him.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 026

The Importance of Self-Reflection

  • Dr. Aria emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and being able to hold situations out in front of oneself.
  • He talks about how he was able to see his ego and have a relationship with it, rather than being fused with it.
  • He explains how this helped him not let the situation define him and move on.
  • He shares how he was able to learn from the experience and grow as a person.
  • He encourages others to do the same and not let their ego take control in difficult situations.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 028

Handling Dark Thoughts

  • The mind automatically populates thoughts without asking for them.
  • These thoughts can include judges, evaluations, assessments, predictions, memories, and imagined scenarios.
  • Even when attempting to have a blank mind, a word can trigger a thought.
  • We are not our thoughts, but rather the observer of them.
  • When in deep pain, thoughts of ending one's life can pop up, but it doesn't mean the person wants to do it.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 029

The Mind's Attempt to Solve a Solution

  • The mind is programmed to avoid discomfort.
  • People often procrastinate to avoid discomfort around a big project.
  • When the mind comes up with thoughts of torture or suicide, there is no judgment.
  • The mind is trying to solve a solution and find a way to make the person feel better.
  • Forgiveness can help lighten the weight of anger, resentment, and betrayal.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 030

Finding Forgiveness

  • The process of handling the situation involved awareness, acceptance, and forgiveness.
  • Forgiveness can be viewed as selfish because it makes the person's life easier, but it doesn't impact the cheater's life.
  • During lockdown, the speaker was lucky to have access to beaches in Santa Barbara.
  • Traveling light emotionally is important to the speaker.
  • The weight of emotional baggage can be just as heavy as physical possessions.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 032

Processing the Betrayal

  • The speaker had a process where he would run along the beach and say out loud that he forgives his wife and wishes her all the best for the future.
  • He was able to understand and have compassion for his wife's situation.
  • Forgiving the man his wife cheated with was harder because he didn't know him.
  • It took the speaker a year to be in a space where he had more clarity and groundedness to forgive the man.
  • He tried the forgiveness process while running and eventually felt at peace.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 033

Letting Go of Emotional Attachment

  • The speaker doesn't feel anything for his wife and the man she cheated with anymore.
  • He sees them as other people on their journey.
  • There's no emotional tinge or connection with them.
  • He imagines it as a letting go of an emotional umbilical cord.
  • He had to process it and decide how long he wanted to hold on to it.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 034

The Non-Linear Process of Recovery

  • The speaker's process of recovery wasn't linear and was up and down.
  • It took a long time for him to be emotionally unattached to the matter and forgive both his wife and the man she cheated with.
  • People sometimes think their experience of betrayal is uniquely bad because their process to recovery isn't linear.
  • Recovery can be long and feel difficult.
  • It's important to have self-awareness and emotional awareness during the process of recovery.
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Developing Emotional Resilience

  • Realizing that hearing others' experiences is the only way out of deceit or betrayal.
  • Each person's journey will be unique and will have peaks and troughs.
  • Dr. Aria's journey happened over a relatively short period of time because of his background as a psychologist and high performance expert.
  • Developing emotional resilience is about helping people cope with high stakes environments when they've lost a sense of balance in their life.
  • It's about getting back up when life throws you a challenge.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 037

Staying Calm in High-Stress Situations

  • Astronauts prepare for the sequence of events leading up to launch by rehearsing and running through it over a hundred times.
  • Staying calm in high-stress situations is crucial to making good decisions.
  • When emotions go up, intellect comes down.
  • People with the lowest self-esteem and the most fragile ego will struggle to maintain their calm in situations that are personally associated.
  • The work of developing emotional resilience is like building self-esteem and separating from ego.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 038

Feeling Lucky Despite the Challenge

  • Dr. Aria felt lucky that he was where he was when he experienced betrayal because he had the tools to cope with it.
  • If it had happened 10 years ago, he would have been in a vastly different space.
  • He struggled for 10 years to cope with what life gave him on an emotional level.
  • He reacted out of emotion and made terrible decisions.
  • Experiencing betrayal has informed his work, which has centered on relationship issues.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 040

Loss of Connection and Intimacy in Relationships

  • Dr. Aria's work has centered on issues of a loss of connection, a loss of intimacy, betrayal, confusion, and staying true to oneself in a relationship.
  • People can wake up one day and find themselves in a space where they don't know how they got there.
  • They become like best friends living together rather than passionate lovers they were 10 years ago.
  • Loss of connection and intimacy can cause confusion and a shift in the relationship.
  • Dr. Aria's experience of betrayal has informed his work in helping others navigate these issues.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 041

The Journey of Life

  • The brain responsible for judgment, decision making, impulse control, and planning goes offline when we experience trauma.
  • Developing a robust sense of self is essential to navigate life's ups and downs.
  • Working on developing a strong sense of self is crucial for clients, no matter what their symptoms are.
  • Life involves experiencing the whole gamut of emotions, both positive and negative.
  • Developing a sense of self that is unshakable and immovable is the ultimate goal.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 042

Questioning Monogamy

  • Dr. Aria's experience of being cheated on led him to question his assumptions about monogamy, marriage, and lifelong relationships.
  • He became aware that there is a social script for relationships that is based on assumptions about monogamy and marriage.
  • He realized that this social construction is a conventional model that is not necessarily natural or universal.
  • Dr. Aria began to contemplate the different elements of relationships and the assumptions that underlie them.
  • He questioned the idea that monogamy is natural and that any structure other than the nuclear one is aberrant.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 044

An Evolutionary Perspective

  • Humans are one of the five surviving species of great apes.
  • At some point, humans separated from other great apes psychologically and actually.
  • The fine print that distinguishes humans from other great apes is wholly inadequate and a fabrication.
  • Humans began to see themselves as special and unique and exempt from their primal history.
  • Up until 10,000 years ago, humans lived by fiercely egalitarian principles, including sharing food, shelter, water, child care, and even sexual partners.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 045

The Evolution of Marriage

  • Casual sexuality was the norm for prehistoric ancestors for 95% of the collective experience of our lineage.
  • With the advent of agriculture, private property came into play, and the status of women changed.
  • Monogamy didn't exist on a natural evolutionary level.
  • Marriage began in Mesopotamia in 2350 BC and spread across the world.
  • Marriage had different meanings across the ages, from securing trade ties to being a sacred experience.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 046

The History of Divorce

  • Up until 1858, divorce was rare and marriage was lifelong.
  • Divorce became a legal process in 1858, but it was still relatively uncommon.
  • The divorce gates opened up in 1969 with the Divorce Reform Act.
  • Marital breakdown could then be cited as a reason for divorce.
  • Divorce statistics in England and Wales are at 42%.
She Cheated On Me and Thats Not All - Dr. Aria | E56 048

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